I don’t particularly like people that complain about their life more than is necessary. Let’s face it, life sucks sometimes, and no one is completely capable of looking at the bright side 100 percent of the time. Not even I, a self-proclaimed optimist (hah), can keep a smile plastered on my face when life decides to throw a bag of shit in my face.
It’s actually in the moments that the most rancid bags of shit are thrown in my face that I think about the blog world, and how comforting it can be sometimes to just lay your problems out for the world to see. And now for the complaining:
I’ve had friends in the past at whom I’ve laughed for being “emo” and down on themselves all the time. People who, on a daily basis, would post 10+ facebook statuses about how they’re life sucks, they were given the short end of the stick, no one loves them, “all I want to do is die,” etc. I came home tonight with a bag from Walgreens containing the following items: Fancy Feast for Mr.Kitty and a bottle of champagne. Mr Kitty thoroughly enjoyed his fancy feast. I, on the other hand, can’t enjoy my bubbly because I’m too scared to open the bottle. I’ve always had this crazy fear that the top will force its way into my forehead and knock me out. Thanks hollywood.
Also, besides my boyfriend (who works out of town so I only see him 5-6 days a month), my mom (whom I’m lucky to get spare time from, with her 3-year old son and demanding job), and my grandmother, I have no one to depend on. Sometimes I feel as though my head is going to explode due to the large amount of thoughts I keep inside. I have nobody to talk to. Sometimes, I think, “is this my fault? Do I push people away? Am I intolerable?” So, it is then that I make a decision to step out of my comfort zone and make new friends, because my old ones are totally useless.
I go to places I would never go, try to be spontaneous and talk to people in my classes who seem halfway interesting. It fails every time. I know this because I still have no friends. I don’t say that lightly, I literally have no friends. For some reason, it is impossible for me to form a real, raw connection with anyone. Whether it’s because everyone around here is so set in their ways that they don’t have room for anyone else in their lives, or if it’s really just me, I have no clue.
But i think I need help. Is there a social doctor? Someone who can remedy my sad attempts at getting involved with people? Sometimes, I feel like I missed my window of opportunity. There was a point in my life, between 18 and 21 years old, when everyone around me was forming friendships and connections with people, and I was so busy wrapped up in the twisted, messy relationships, trying to make rom coms out of lost causes, that I missed it. I love my boyfriend, I really do. I’m pretty sure he’s a closet alcoholic, and he’s lied to me a few times, but he’s really the most honest person I’ve ever met.
This raises a question. Should I stay with someone that I deeply love, with the hopes that one day he’ll quit drinking? Does that mean waiting until something devastating happens as a result of his drinking? Even then, will he be able to admit that there’s a problem? And will something be done about it? Ugh… This is turning into one of those things.
Time for me to sign out before I begin to rant (more than I already have).
