Reductive?
I don’t particularly like people that complain about their life more than is necessary. Let’s face it, life sucks sometimes, and no one is completely capable of looking at the bright side 100 percent of the time. Not even I, a self-proclaimed optimist (hah), can keep a smile plastered on my face when life decides to throw a bag of shit in my face.
It’s actually in the moments that the most rancid bags of shit are thrown in my face that I think about the blog world, and how comforting it can be sometimes to just lay your problems out for the world to see. And now for the complaining:
I’ve had friends in the past at whom I’ve laughed for being “emo” and down on themselves all the time. People who, on a daily basis, would post 10+ facebook statuses about how they’re life sucks, they were given the short end of the stick, no one loves them, “all I want to do is die,” etc. I came home tonight with a bag from Walgreens containing the following items: Fancy Feast for Mr.Kitty and a bottle of champagne. Mr Kitty thoroughly enjoyed his fancy feast. I, on the other hand, can’t enjoy my bubbly because I’m too scared to open the bottle. I’ve always had this crazy fear that the top will force its way into my forehead and knock me out. Thanks hollywood.
Also, besides my boyfriend (who works out of town so I only see him 5-6 days a month), my mom (whom I’m lucky to get spare time from, with her 3-year old son and demanding job), and my grandmother, I have no one to depend on. Sometimes I feel as though my head is going to explode due to the large amount of thoughts I keep inside. I have nobody to talk to. Sometimes, I think, “is this my fault? Do I push people away? Am I intolerable?” So, it is then that I make a decision to step out of my comfort zone and make new friends, because my old ones are totally useless.
I go to places I would never go, try to be spontaneous and talk to people in my classes who seem halfway interesting. It fails every time. I know this because I still have no friends. I don’t say that lightly, I literally have no friends. For some reason, it is impossible for me to form a real, raw connection with anyone. Whether it’s because everyone around here is so set in their ways that they don’t have room for anyone else in their lives, or if it’s really just me, I have no clue.
But i think I need help. Is there a social doctor? Someone who can remedy my sad attempts at getting involved with people? Sometimes, I feel like I missed my window of opportunity. There was a point in my life, between 18 and 21 years old, when everyone around me was forming friendships and connections with people, and I was so busy wrapped up in the twisted, messy relationships, trying to make rom coms out of lost causes, that I missed it. I love my boyfriend, I really do. I’m pretty sure he’s a closet alcoholic, and he’s lied to me a few times, but he’s really the most honest person I’ve ever met.
This raises a question. Should I stay with someone that I deeply love, with the hopes that one day he’ll quit drinking? Does that mean waiting until something devastating happens as a result of his drinking? Even then, will he be able to admit that there’s a problem? And will something be done about it? Ugh… This is turning into one of those things.
Time for me to sign out before I begin to rant (more than I already have).
Good Day
So, I didn’t go to school. But I really kind of screwed myself. I drank too much earl grey, and was up until 3am. I simply couldn’t get myself out of bed. Not that I’m trying to justify it. Anyhow, I’m going tomorrow, definitely. I need to work on my Newspaper project.
Goals for tonight?
- Start working on English presentation
- Workout at 24/7 for an hour
- Shave
And I guess that’s enough pressure for one night:)
back, yet again
I always end up letting this thing sit around and practically rot. I think I need an outlet like this though… It’s good for me. I’m always so busy with work… and I’d like to say school, but the truth is that I’ve been falling back into my old ways. Skipping class simply because I am tired or I can always seem to justify why it would be ok for me to not go.
I’ve also totally blown off the diet that I was so proud of. For almost a week, I ate very light and very healthy. I lost weight and felt great. And then, I let it all go in one night, and ever since I’ve all disregard for anything I ate.
Anyway, I’m starting again tomorrow. I love the feeling I get when I can check things off of my to-do list. It’s a wonderful feeling of accomplishment. It’s almost like a high for me… Being productive. The feeling of a clear mind, with nothing weighing on it. When there’s nothing to stress about because I’ve already taken care of my business.
So, tomorrow I’ll start with an early morning (6:00am Approx.), my daily vitamins, and a bit of granola to boost me up. Then, I will attend classes. After, I will visit the food stamp office. It can’t hurt I guess. For lunch, I’ll either get an oriental chicken wrap from roly poly, or I will stop by the store and get some veggies. =]
Dieting is exhausting. On a lighter note… how freaking awesome is this album and why haven’t I heard it before?!?!??
I’m really diggin it tonight.
I’ll check in tomorrow to update the status of my commitments of today.
G’nite.
update (for myself?):
butt still hurts…
In other news though, today is productive. I’m just about finished with laundry and it isn’t even noon yet. It’s beautiful outside, and it feels lovely. Nice and cool.
I think a picnic would be a good idea! But a picnic alone is never fun. Unless I had a good book… and yummy snacks. I might just do this..
I did it!
I rode my bike so much last night, my butt will probably be sore for weeks. But, that doesn’t even matter. I stepped out of my comfort zone. I also wore these really obnoxious earrings. Which I know in’t much of an accomplishment, but the thing is, I buy thing I’ll probably never wear. I buy clothes and accessories that I like, but could never pull off. well, last night I tried and it worked. and I’m proud of myself. I guess you’d just have to be in my head. Anyhow, I was hungover this morning, which I know is bad bad bad bad bad bad. But I had to celebrate. I finally paid off a loan. It’s goooooone!
No more drinking for me for a while. I never do drink, but I did last night. Ugh. Headache.
Thursdays
This is the day of the week in which I get a paycheck. Of course, most of it is gone before Friday, with the amount of bills one must have to keep up in the world. Sure, I have a few extras… I don’t need an iPhone. I don’t NEED unlimited texting. But I have it, so unless I get terribly behind I’m keeping it. My goal for today is: Step out my comfort zone at least once. I’m not sure how I will do this yet. Maybe I will approach a stranger. Maybe I will try a new food… mushrooms? Maybe…. maybe I will ride my bicycle (this is out of my comfort zone, because I get really paranoid riding my bike in this city. there are barely any bike lanes, and the ones there are, are insanely skinny).
Who knows what I’ll do… But, when i do it I’ll make sure to record it in here. Perhaps I’ll make a list of things I could do. The Uncomfort List. Yea… =]
Rebirth.
That’s what today was. A rebirth. I let people I don’t even know, open my eyes. I’ve been foolish. But not anymore, after this moment, I’m reborn. Into someone who can follow through with even the smallest of details. I’m done giving in to the little temptations offering instant gratification. I’m going to start looking at the big picture. In my heart, I’ve always known I should, but it was a little too inconvenient for me to think about. I’ve written my mission statement, and I’m going to follow through with it.
I’ve discovered that there is no “tomorrow, I’ll begin”. If that is the way I think about it, I will NEVER begin. It’s now. I’m on my way to enlightenment… starting now, I will be kind. Everyone I love, will know how much they are worth. Everyone I have wronged will know how deeply sorry I am and have been. I am finally disposing of any pride I’ve had. I’m letting go of my neurotic tendencies. My obsessive habits. My body is my temple, and I’m going to start treating it right.
My priorities will be as straight as an arrow from here on out. School, work, love, self discipline, enlightenment, school, school. My pleasure will come strictly from the feeling of productivity and accomplishment I will get by being loyal to me dreams and honest in all circumstances I find myself in.
I am so thankful to have a job and the chance to go to school. I am thankful for my family and the wonderful person I have in my life to stand by me through all of the hardships. And lastly, I am thankful to have come to this realization… this amazing feeling of clarity and fearlessness. The future no longer scares me, because I have trust in myself that the rest of my life will be a journey with much adventure and no regret.
Thank you for listening.
Breakfast is my favorite because it’s the only meal where it’s completely acceptable to eat a plate full of fruit. yum.
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